Kate (kate_nepveu) wrote,
Kate
kate_nepveu

The Matrix Revolutions: SPOILERS

You know, I knew The Matrix Revolutions was going to suck. On Wednesday, I collected particularly apropos quotes from reviews:

Ty Burr in the Boston Globe:

A primer for those with lives: When last we saw Neo, he had just saved the life of Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) and stopped a ravenous mass of robotic "sentinels" using only the power of his mind. Since this happened in the "real world" rather than in the computer construct of the Matrix, this was, like, whoa.

Robert Ebert, in the Chicago Sun-Times:

My admiration for "The Matrix Revolutions" is limited only by the awkward fact that I don't much give a damn what happens to any of the characters.

Stephen Hunter in the Washington Post:

But you have to ask: Why is this [Zion] sequence more than an hour long? It could be five minutes and there'd be plenty of time left for old-fashioned stuff like, you know, story and character, both of which are given scant attention over the movie's long, relentless running time.

A.O. Scott in the New York Times:

Mr. Reeves, perhaps worried that he was showing too much range, has purged himself of all expression apart from a worried frown and a sorrowful grimace.

And those were just the snappy ones. There was a lot more indicating that it, in a word, sucked.

And yet I went to see it anyway. I even paid for it. What was I thinking?

As a public service, I offer—

What happened in The Matrix Revolutions:

  • Neo is caught in limbo. Trinity, Morpheus, and that Asian guy whose name I heard as "Serif," but is apparently Seraph, shoot their way into the Merovingian's club and get him released.

    This part actually doesn't suck.

  • Neo sees the Oracle (later assimilated by Smith) and decided to go to the Machine City to talk to the Source. Trinity goes with him. Bane (possessed by Smith) hides on the ship and burns Neo's eyes out before Neo kills him. Having lost his physical eyes, Neo can now see code.

    There is still no explanation how Smith can possess Bane. However, the actor playing Bane does a beautiful Hugo Weaving impersonation, to the point where I wondered if Weaving was wearing a really good mask.

  • Niobe flies to Zion with a gazillion Sentinels on her tail. Meanwhile, a gazillion more Sentinels have invaded Zion on the heels of a digger. There is a brutally long and stupid battle scene with every war cliche you can think of: it absolutely cries out for the Red Mike treatment. Niobe makes it into the city and blows an EMP, which knocks out the two gazillion Sentinels and the digger. Except it also knocks out all Zion's machines, and look—another gazillion Sentinels!

    Did I mention this was brutally long and stupid?

  • Neo and Trinity make it to the Machine City, but Trinity dies, making a ten-minute dying speech with several metal rods through her torso. This is one of the many times people talk about Love, which has basically no actual story relevance.

    Kate bangs her head against Chad's shoulder.

  • Neo makes a deal with the Source to kill Smith for peace. He plugs back into the Matrix. There is a brutally long and stupid battle between one Smith—just one—and Neo.

    Did I mention this was brutally long and stupid?

  • Neo eventually lets Smith assimilate him too, after Smith says something Oracle-like and appears confused, and then blows up his assimilated self and all the other Smiths from the inside. Everyone assimilated by Smith gets restored except for Neo, who gets carted off on a barge by the Machines (strangely missing the three queens and the sword). The Architect (still not Donald Sutherland) shows up to tell the Oracle that yeah, those who want to leave the Matrix can, but does she really think this peace is going to last? The Oracle looks mysterious and says long enough, and she thinks we'll see Neo again sometime.

I'd expound further on all the ways this movie sucks, but I'd like to go to bed sometime tonight.

Oh, one last thing: the credits list a character named "Deus Ex Machina."

There, now you can save your money.

Tags: cranky, movies
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